


Wintersong

by Eve1978



Category: James Bucky Barnes - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Steve Rogers - Fandom
Genre: Childhood Memories, Christmas Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 01:38:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13043832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eve1978/pseuds/Eve1978
Summary: There’s no real plot here, just two boys in a cabin in the snow and a lot of feels and memories. And kissing.





	Wintersong

‘You can still come celebrate with us,’ Natasha’s voice sounded concerned through the phone,’ It’s not too late to catch a flight back to the city. I know you want to help but Steve, there’s really nothing you can do for him.’

‘It’s not about that,’ Steve sighed.

‘You don’t owe Barnes a thing. He just needs time to…’

‘It’s not about that either,’ Steve interrupted her and dragged his hand across his face,’ I need to be with him, Nat, don’t make me explain this to you, I just…I need to be here. I don’t expect anyone to understand.’

‘I was afraid you’d say that,’ there was a little hint of a smile in her voice and she gave up trying to convince him,’ I guess we’ll see you in the new year then?’

‘Yeah, I guess you will,’ Steve answered.

‘Merry Christmas, Rogers.’

‘Merry Christmas, Nat. Please give my love to everyone there, okay?’

‘I will. Oh, and I do understand, Steve, more than you know. Good luck,’ she added before hanging up.

Steve put down his phone and made his way to the living room.

Bucky was sitting on the floor again, legs crossed, barefoot, wearing nothing but grey sweatpants and a black t-shirt, his hair tied into a messy man bun. There was an entire couch and several cozy seats with cushions right next to him but he always preferred to just be on the hard wooden floor, close to the window and the fireplace.   
Steve assumed it was purely out of habit, he didn’t have a couch in the tiny apartment Steve found him in. He didn’t have much of anything there.

Bucky was watching the snow fall, soft white snow flakes that softly disappeared onto a thick carpet. It seemed to calm him down so Steve didn’t say anything and left Bucky to enjoy the quiet calmness of the morning.

Steve went back into the kitchen to make some coffee and wash up some dirty dishes from the night before.

They’d been in this cabin for almost two weeks now, it was just him and Bucky. After Steve found him they took him back to the city but Bucky struggled to adjust. Everything was too loud and too crowded for him not to mention Shield was constantly on their backs.   
  
He didn’t actually come out and say it but Steve knew Bucky didn’t feel safe. He still felt like people were chasing him, just waiting for their chance to capture him again and lock him up so they could pick his brain and do all sorts of tests on him.   
  
Bucky couldn’t relax which meant he also couldn’t heal or find peace with everything that happened. Steve knew he had to get him away from there, so he found this cabin in the middle of nowhere, hidden deep within the forrest where nobody would ever find them.   
Even Nat didn’t know exactly where they were.

‘Stevie?’ Bucky’s voice immediately made Steve drop what he was doing and he stepped inside the living room.

‘Everything okay, Buck?’

‘You don’t have to stay with me.’

‘What?’

‘I know your friends want you there for Christmas, it’s okay, just…you can go.’

‘Bucky,’ Steve wanted to protest but Bucky immediately cut him off.

‘You should celebrate with them,’ he spoke without any emotion,’ I’m fine on my own. You should just…do what you always do with Christmas.’

_What I always do is miss you like crazy._

Steve wanted to say that out loud but he couldn’t.

He didn’t want to put any more pressure on Bucky, his memories were coming back, slowly, Steve couldn’t push him no matter how badly he wanted to.

‘I’m not leaving you alone on Christmas, Buck, that’s not open for discussion.’

Bucky just nodded his head. He still hadn’t granted Steve one look, his eyes were focussed on the snow and everything else around him seemed to be of no importance.

It made Steve feel helpless.

There were nights when they talked, as if all those years in between had never happened, chatting and laughing like two old friends who reminisced about days long gone.

There were days when Bucky seemed to remember every little detail from before. 

But then there were others, when Bucky’s gaze was hard and absent, and Steve knew his mind was in an entirely different place, somewhere Steve couldn’t reach him. There were days when Bucky didn’t speak a single word and he felt like a stranger to Steve.

And there were still nights when he’d wake up screaming from the nightmares. They both had those nights.

‘I remember,’ Bucky suddenly said, making Steve look up.

Bucky’s voice was small and quiet,’ I remember snow.’

Steve stood still and watched Bucky as he stood up and moved closer to the window, almost pressing his nose against the glass to get a better look.

‘What do you remember, Buck?’ he asked carefully.

‘Blood in the snow,’ he mumbled.

Steve felt the hairs on his arms stand up,’ That’s…we don’t have to talk about that.’

‘Your blood,’ Bucky added, leaving Steve confused.

‘What?’

‘You scraped your knee cap so badly it left blood in the snow,’ Bucky continued.

Steve was trying to catch up with him but he had no idea what Bucky was talking about.

‘We must have been 8 or 9, 10 at most,’ Bucky spoke,’ one of the kids down the street made a sled and we all took turns riding it down the hill of the street, do you remember? Your leg got caught half way and you fell pretty hard. I’d never seen that much blood before.’

Steve couldn’t help but smile when he remembered that day,’ It was just a flesh wound.’

‘It looked a lot worse, I’d never seen your ma that angry at me, I thought she was gonna kill me.’

‘I sort of told her you convinced me to go that day. That wasn’t true of course, I was the one who wanted to go. And she knew, she could always see right through me,’ Steve smiled fondly at the memory of his mother,’ She knew getting angry at you was a much more effective punishment than just her yelling at me. I didn’t mind her yelling at me but you…I never could stand anyone treating you badly over something that wasn’t your fault.’

Bucky smiled, it was so small you could have blinked and missed it. But Steve didn’t blink, he’d seen that little tug at the corner of Bucky’s mouth, the beginning of a smile and his heart suddenly felt warm.

‘You dragged me out of there with a force I’d never seen,’ Steve then added,’ I thought you were gonna kill me.’

‘I should have, it was your own damn fault for being so reckless,’ there was a hint of laughter in Bucky’s voice and Steve’s heart melted even more. But then Bucky’s voice changed until it was barely a whisper,’ But I brought you home, I always brought you home, Stevie.’

_You did, Buck, and this time it’s my turn._

Steve couldn’t form the words, his heart was about to break out of his chest and suddenly there was a lump in his throat.

‘You did, buddy,’ he whispered,’ You did.’

Bucky nodded his head, his eyes followed the snow flakes that were falling down harder now. 

Steve could almost see it, how the doubt settled in again like a black veil falling over Bucky’s beautiful face and covering it in darkness. The memory was gone now and it made room for the present, a present where everything was much darker and heavier and a lot more complicated than that snowy winter’s day in Brooklyn all those years ago.

Steve didn’t want Bucky to have to deal with this part of the world, he wanted to shield him from it, protect him from everything and everyone out there that ever hurt him. Steve would give his own damn life to see Bucky Barnes happy and carefree again.

He just wanted to wrap his arms around him and tell him everything would be alright, that he would make it so. They would be safe right here in this cabin, they would never need anyone or anything else and Steve would never let anyone hurt him ever again.

He wanted to…he wanted so many things but he was afraid to even touch Bucky.

Despite all the progress Bucky had made in these past months he still seemed jumpy when it came to physical contact. Steve understood, of course he did.   
For years Bucky had only been treated like an object, the only touch he’d known had been one that caused him pain, more pain than Steve could even imagine.

Steve had no right to put his hands on this man, not before he was good and ready and Steve would give Bucky all the time he needed. But at the same time keeping his distance from Bucky became harder and harder every day.

When it seemed like Bucky had zoned out again Steve wanted to return to the kitchen.

‘Tell me another one,’ Bucky’s voice made him stop and Steve returned to his spot next to Bucky by the window.

‘Tell me another memory,’ Bucky asked.

Steve stayed quiet for a few moments. There were hundreds, thousands of memories he wanted to share but he knew he needed to go gently, for Bucky’s sake.

‘I remember that one winter when it was so cold the lake froze and we went ice skating for the first time, and you kept falling on your ass,’ Steve reminisced with a grin on his face,’ It didn’t matter how many times I’ve helped you up you always went down again.’

‘Not that one, you punk,’ Bucky rolled his eyes,’ A good one.’

Steve laughed at the nickname Bucky chose to use, it rolled off his tongue so easily you’d never know only a few months ago Bucky had no idea who Steve even was.

‘A good one, okay…a good one,’ Steve thought for a long time before he spoke the next words,’ I remember the last snow before you shipped out.’

Bucky froze next to him.

‘It started snowing right after Christmas,’ Steve continued against his better judgment,’ I knew you’d be gone shortly after the new year started so I told myself…if we never celebrated the new year, if it could just keep snowing it would be Christmas forever and you’d never have to leave.’

Tears filled Steve’s eyes but he bit them back until Bucky looked at him. The lost, sad look in Bucky’s blue eyes was too much and Steve’s tears fell down his cheeks, quietly but not unnoticed.

Bucky sighed.

‘I’m sorry, Buck, I shouldn’t have brought that up…I’m sorry,’ he had to step away or he would fall apart right here. He couldn’t do that in front of Bucky, it wouldn’t be fair at all.

But when he started to move away something pulled at his shirt. It was Bucky’s metal hand.

‘Don’t,’ Bucky whispered, his small voice a contrast to the strong pull of his hand, his fingers digging into the fabric of Steve’s shirt, keeping him from moving.

Steve was shaking, his entire body struggling with having Bucky so close and not being able to do anything about it.

‘Don’t go,’ Bucky begged and looked at him with those big sad puppy eyes and suddenly all Steve’s defenses came down.

He only hesitated for a few seconds, after that he didn’t care anymore about what could go wrong, he knew what he needed and he wasn’t going to let another chance go by. He wrapped both arms around Bucky’s shoulders and pulled him against his chest, hard, too hard but he didn’t care.   
Bucky’s body went willingly into Steve’s arms, hugging him back with the same desperation, clinging to Steve’s back while he buried his face against Steve’s neck, breathing him in. 

After a few minutes Steve burst out in tears.

‘I’m here,’ Bucky whispered,’ I’m here, I’ve got you.’

It was everything Steve had wanted for so long and now that it was happening it overwhelmed him. The warmth and hard muscle of Bucky’s body against his own, Bucky’s hands caressing his lower back, Bucky’s warm breath against his neck. It was so much, it was too much and Steve’s heart was beating hard in his chest.

‘I remember,’ Bucky then whispered into his ear,’ I remember that Christmas night, I remember kissing you, I remember thinking I’d never leave if you kept kissing me like that. I remember thinking this is what I wanna come home from war for, this is what I want to live for. You are what I want to live for. ’

Words were flowing out of Bucky’s mouth now and every single one of them was a balm to Steve’s aching heart.

‘I haven’t kissed another since,’ Bucky added while he nuzzled Steve’s cheek,’ didn’t want to.’

’Bucky, I…’

‘Shh, don’t matter,’ Bucky answered as if he knew what Steve had wanted to say and he was right, it didn’t matter. Every kiss Steve had experienced since had been nothing compared to how it felt to kiss Bucky.

Steve’s body was trembling, his hands now hesitantly on Bucky’s waist while Bucky brought his face right in front of Steve’s, their heavy breaths mingling, both still too nervous to take that last step, not quite sure if the other was ready.

‘Oh, fuck it,’ Steve eventually sighed and he grabbed Bucky’s neck and pulled him in, his mouth capturing his in a soft warm kiss. Bucky reciprocated without any hesitation, his lips melting against Steve’s.

They kissed for what could have been hours or just minutes, Steve couldn’t really be sure, all he knew was that he never wanted to stop. Every time they came up for air one of them pulled the other closer again and their lips were drawn together like magnets. It would take a force of nature to pull them away from each other now.

Eventually Bucky was the one who put his hand on Steve’s chest and stopped him,’ Breathe..I need to breathe, Stevie.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Steve whispered, biting his bottom lip and failing to keep the smile off his face.

Bucky grinned at him and pulled him into a tight hug,’ Time out, just for a little while.’

‘Okay,’ Steve caved and they broke the hug to look at each other. Steve’s hair was messy from Bucky’s hands running through it, Bucky’s lips were red from Steve’s kisses and both men were blushing.

‘You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to do that,’ Steve then sighed.

‘Why didn’t you?’

‘I wasn’t sure if you were ready, if you even still wanted to,’ Steve answered a little embarrassed.

Bucky shook his head with a little smile,’ I wasn’t sure you did, It’s been so long, I thought you’d moved on and you didn’t…want me anymore, not like that anyway.’

‘I’ll always want you, Buck,’ Steve whispered and he couldn’t stop himself, he leaned in and kissed Bucky again.

His heart leaped when Bucky smiled into the kiss,’ Good, because I’ve never stopped wanting you.’

They hugged and kissed for some time after that, lazy and soft, neither of them willing to rush things.

‘What happens now?’ Bucky asked a while later.

They both sat down on the floor in front of the fireplace, their hands tangled together, both enjoying the view of the snow outside and leaning in to steal a kiss from time to time.

‘I don’t know,’ Steve answered truthfully,’ I guess that’s entirely up to us.’

‘But you’ll need to go back to the city at some point.’

‘Do I?’ Steve asked.

‘Don’t you?’

‘No one is forcing me, Buck, I mean I want to go back there to see my friends, sure, but…this could be home, for you and me…I mean, if you’d want to?’

Bucky brought Steve’s hand up to his lips to softly kiss his knuckles, one by one until Steve closed his eyes and let out a happy sigh.

‘I want to, so much,’ Bucky then whispered,’ but I need you to be sure, you’ve been Captain America for so long, I don’t want to take that away from you.’

‘Bucky, that shield and that suit, it’s mine to pick up whenever I want,’ Steve explained,’ It’s also mine to lie down whenever I want.’

‘You’d do that for me?’ Bucky’s eyes looked so hopeful Steve’s heart could break right then and there and in that moment Steve realized. 

He didn’t need the shield or the title, he didn’t need New York or the Avengers. And for the fist time in his entire life he didn’t need to fight anymore.

Everything he needed in life was sitting right in front of him, with the cutest little grin on his stupidly handsome face.

‘Bucky Barnes,’ Steve spoke firmly,’ when will you get it through that thick little head of yours, there is nothing in this goddamn universe I wouldn’t do for you.’

 


End file.
